Unchecking All The Boxes

Polo is the Dog Guy of the House! He helps make my day a little more perfect!

I began this post, with the thought of “Unchecking my Boxes”

I originally, started this thinking about. How I often I go to the doctor’s office and I check all the boxes on the Medical Form.

Have you had Cancer, Heart Disease, and so on and so forth? But I began to think more about the boxes our lives seem to fill.

Being a Woman, Wife and Mother. That is a lot. When my youngest son reached the age of 21. I told him; I will always be your Mother. But I was Desiree, prior to all the other nouns I used lieu of my name. I want to figure out who is Desiree. She has been all the above. But who is she really? I remember thinking my favorite color was red. I do not like red, really. That was my mother’s favorite color. I do not have a favorite color.

Simple right. I could only think as much. But being a Woman comes with its own challenges. I was 17, when I moved away from home. I remember coming home from the prom. I stayed out all night. Like pretty much everyone else did that special night. Well, when I returned home. My father meets me on the from porch, smacked me down, in front of my boyfriend. I left that night and never returned to my family home to live. I had not graduated from High School. I had to finish my senior year. Living with a good friend. I had to plan my graduation. And figure out, how to survive as a homeless 17-year-old. Wow, thinking about that now. How strong I was to make thru that.

Being a Wife, my 1st husband was an abusive man. I said, I would never marry a man like my father. Well, I did, how many of us do that. I remember the last time I saw my 1st husband before he died. He was in the hospital. I can still remember, him cursing me out as I walked out of his room. The only memory is that he cursed me out. A couple of weeks later, I received a knock at my door. It was the police, informing me he had passed away. They found him dead in a hotel room. He died of Renal Failure. We were still married. That made me responsible for his funeral arrangements. Lucky me. I get to be responsible for a man, who said I am not leaving you anything, financially. And he did not.

I was left a Single Mother. Widowed by an abusive man. He made it a point not to leave, myself or our 3 kids any money to live on. If, I bring the scale out. I must say, I preferred being his Widow vs being his Wife. People say do not speak ill of the dead. Why not, just because you die or get old, does not make you a saint. Your just Dead or Old. The memories of who you were do not change with your death or old age.

I will always be a mother. From their cradle to my grave. Being a mother is the toughest job on earth. I wish I would have taken advantage of the years when my children were young. I thought, it was the toughest time. But It was not. To be honest. Now is the toughest time. Because, I had to realize, I am no longer in charge of their life. I can no longer say, because I say so. I no longer can kiss it, and make it feel better.

So, that is brief.

I am still looking for Desiree. While still having the roles of Woman, Wife and Mother.

Yeah, I got remarried. So much better the second time around.

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